"The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man's emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm."
- Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
- Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
"Why are you so stupid?"
"You should just stop trying."
"You make this place a living hell."
"You are crazy!"
Emotional abuse (also known as psychological abuse) can manifest and be presented in many different ways. Criticism, mocking, isolating, yelling, making sarcastic comments, making rude faces, pinpointing jokes at the victim while hanging out in groups, degrading the victim's worth and abilities, intimidation, and constantly reminding the victim that everything is their fault are just a few ways that perpetrators abuse their victims. Unfortunately, this type of abuse can go unnoticed for a very long time due to there being no physical evidence on the victim's body, the abuser and victim being unaware of what is happening, and the habitual cycle that it usually occurs in. Both men and women can be victims of emotional abuse; however, Steven Stosny points out that "...women engage in as much emotionally abusive behavior as men, but the systematic use of emotional abuse to control another person is usually the domain of men, simply because it is easier to control someone with fear than shame." Also, this type of abuse is not exclusive to romantic relationships, but can occur in friendships, work relationships, and among family members.
Emotional abuse can wear down on the victim for a very long time without them being aware of it. When they are trapped in a cycle of hearing these things for so long, they begin to believe and internalize the abuser's comments towards them. They think that something is wrong with them, not the abuser. It can be dangerous when a victim tries to speak up for themselves in regards to the abuser's comments and behavior, because the abuser will often call them crazy or tell them they are being too sensitive. This causes the victim to try to change themselves to avoid making the perpetrator upset again. They feel like a horrible person for making things so complicated in the relationship and not being able to brush off the comments. They tell themselves they just need to have thicker skin. Since we are focusing on women in this class, we can point out that women are socialized from a young age to do whatever it takes to maintain relationships. Once someone realizes the abuse (usually when someone outside the relationship brings it to their attention), they may stop spending as much time with the perpetrator and try to avoid them, and this will usually make the perpetrator angry. A fight may happen and the victim and the abuser may lash out at each other. When the perpetrator tries to win the victim over again, they may be very compassionate, kind, and loving towards the victim to show that they care. Some people may wonder why a victim would believe what seems like fake love and affection from the abuser. The thing to remember is that when someone is hurting from abuse, the temporary love feels good to their inner wounds and they rest in this time where things seem to be okay. The abuser and the victim then try to live normally; slowly but surely, the abuse will start to ramp up again, becoming more frequent, and build up to a point where one of them lashes out at the other.
One of the reasons emotional abuse is so harmful is because it is so frequent and can happen every time you're around the abuser no matter what setting. If someone seems to have an extremely low self-esteem, little to no self-worth, and very high self-blame, don't just assume it is depression right away. Ask about their relationships. They may be being abused.
Recognizing the signs of being in an emotionally abusive relationship can help a victim understand why they are feeling the way that they are. It is more difficult to identify emotional abuse because there is no physical proof. When someone puts their hands on you, you can clearly identify the marks. When it's emotional abuse, however, the perpetrator blames it on the victim and makes it seem like the victim is doing them harm.
Ask that person questions about how they feel around others. Is this the only person who makes them feel this way? Most people won't realize this until it is pointed out by someone else. The victim may also downplay the abuse because they may think "well, at least they aren't hitting me." Or they may be completely oblivious that abuse can occur in this way that does not involve a physical act at all. Whoever the vicim may be (either male or female) and they are struggling with self-blame, I would ask them to make a chart of some of the things the perpetrator does or says to them and then, in another column, list what they do to the perpetrator. The victim will probably realize that they do not treat the abuser (or their other friends and family members) the same way. The victim may have immediate reactions to the abuser if he/she starts yelling at them, but we need to help them understand that they are not doing anything wrong and they are not doing anything to deserve this. If someone is degrading you for who you are, they have a problem with themselves - not you.
- What are some ways we can pay more attention to emotional abuse and recognize it?
- What kinds of questions can we ask others to help identify if their relationship is like this?
- What kind of advice would you give a friend or family member if you suspected that they were in a relationship like this?
- What are some ways we can help the victim recover from a relationship like this?
- What do you think is involved in the process of helping the abuser?
What a clear and thorough post, Lauren! I especially liked the image depicting the cycle of abuse - those are important dynamics for us to be aware of when working with clients.
ReplyDeleteWith regards to helping survivors of abuse, I would imagine that we would first need to be mindful of any immediate needs that they may have (i.e., housing, food, job, clothing, etc.). Connecting these individuals (and their children, if applicable) to appropriate resources, shelters, and so forth would be crucial. Also, we would need to be very sensitive to the dynamics at work - many of these survivors may feel completely powerless and incapable of breaking free from their abusers grip because of elements of control and manipulation. This means that we are charged with continually being educated on best practices and available resources to provide the most appropriate treatment options. Though the journey will likely be difficult, as mental health professionals, we can hopefully provide appropriate support so that clients may become empowered through their journeys rather than defeated by them.
When working with an abuse survivor, my first thought would be is he/she in an environment where they can live without fear of continued or new forms of abuse inflicted upon them. Getting them out of physical and direct emotional harm, in other words. Following that, my role--as a counselor and advocate for them--would to help them recognize they're not deserving of abuse if they see themselves as such and that they, better than anyone else, can be their own advocate. The means for this can/do vary, of course, but I believe that until a person sees themselves as worthy of respect, happiness, and the like, they won't recognize their ability to defend and speak for themselves against such abuses (physical and emotional). As to the abuser, a different approach would likely follow; making sure they live in an environment that coaches rehab as much, if not more than, a merely punitive environment (though I imagine many would have trouble swallowing this depending on the degree of their abuse toward others). Like an abuse survivor, they should also be coached in terms of self-advocacy and worthiness, since some might strike out not only as a means of exerting control but out of low self-esteem or self-doubt. I'm not trained as a counselor and am curious to know from those of you who are/have counseled abusers, what measures have you taken to approach a physically and/or emotionally abusive client? How do you overcome any biases, e.g. fear, anger, resentment, that someone could exhibit towards a known abuser in your treatment of them?
ReplyDeleteI feel like one of the critical things here is educating everyone what emotional abuse looks like.
ReplyDeleteIt is far too common, in my experience with my friends, to see people - men and women alike - who are in abusive relationships who just cant see it. This is one of the more critical aspects of abuse, as when people don't know they are being abused the cycle of abuse is much more covert and much harder to break.
I personally have an interest in working with abusers as they are a largely underserved population. I think many could go a long way receiving empathy training as many don't realize how significant an impact that their actions have on others. It can also just be a re-creation of behaviors that people have seen in the home such as the shaming and negative talk between partners. I am in no way trying to discount the abusers actions as it is still awfully damaging, but these people are sick and need help just as much as victims. The damage that has been done is made much more terrible by the inability for us to empathize with these sick people as well.
It may be kind of an extreme suggestion, and is honestly hard to stomach, but if we don't try to work with these people then they never even have the ability to succeed and change. So many are branded as abusers, sexual or otherwise, and can never shake the title. Thus giving them no reason and completely closing them off to the change that is direly needed for them to succeed in society.
Hi Lauren,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting about this topic. I do think that one of the reasons why people don't emotional abuse is because they often lack the understanding of what exactly drives an emotional abuser to hurt them. They usually experience confusion and fail to recognize it as emotional abuse, and just like you said, sometimes the abuser make them feel like its their fault.
Also, most of the cases the abuser might be suffering from any type of mental health or psychological disorder like extreme anxiety. I do believe that in these scenarios both sides need therapy and treatment just like James stated above. I also think that it is very necessary to educate people and provide them with the best tool which is knowledge, in this case, being able to recognize emotional abuse and how can they get out of that situation. No one should be suffering or letting this happen, we all deserve to be treated rightfully and with respect.
Hello Lauren,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post. Emotional abuse is very real and damaging and like you said, because there is no physical evidence it can go unnoticed. I also fear that other people wont take these victims as seriously for this reason. This topic seems tricky to me, because although there is abuse and the victim involved is suffering from it, there may also be a strong attachment to the abuser that is hard to break. I think it is important to encourage the victim to evaluate how the relationship is affecting them emotionally and consider the pros and cons of being in the relationship with that person. I also think it would help to educate them about the cycle of abuse that you showed in your post and help them consider if that is what is going on. Also, they need to be educated that if there is a cycle of abuse going on that it will not end by them changing what they do and say. It is important that they understand that it is not their fault. Another piece of advice that comes to mind might be to try to reframe how they think about the abuser. If they think they need the abuser in their life, maybe they are not seeing that person clearly because they are so involved. I definitely do not want them to think that this cycle of abuse is their fault, but I want them to feel empowered to break the cycle.
I think a lot of young relationships deal with this problem. Boys and girls attach themselves to each other at such young ages that distress and life anxiety can play a role. Girls often times are in a relationship with the guy while the guy is doing what he wants but keeping the girl around for when he needs compassion. Don't get me wrong the role of guy and girl can be switched. The victim becomes blind to the verbal abuse and feels the need to do better for the abuser. When really the thinking should be why are we not in this together as one, what can we do to avoid situations where one of us is being abused. In high school I knew a girl who kept "dating" the same guy for 3 years. While all her girlfriend told her she was being used and treated like scum she continued to "date" him because she said you don't know him when its just us. Signs like that suggest the male is not fully involved and abuses the girl in public but plays nice when its just them without others being able to see. I get this scenario can be switched and some abusers play nice to public but abuse behind closed doors. Asking victim questions from all angles described above will help one to recognize if abuse is a factor. I think paying attention to help others is wonderful but you have to be careful with this because not everyone is seeking help. That is where educating the victim without upsetting them becomes important. Displaying the signs of verbal abuse. Letting them recognize if they are in this category or not and then finally letting them seek help may be the best option depending on the person. After a victim understands or expressed she or he is in an abusive relationship showing empathy without sympathy would be the best option. Explaining your there for them and building a trusting relationship will allow the victim to express herself. Trust is defiantly involved in this process.
ReplyDeleteLoved, loved, loved your post Lauren. You are so right by saying that it is too common that psychological abuse is overlooked because it does not leave any visual indications that something is wrong. One of the ways we can recognize this type of abuse is by closely paying attention to how the victim talks about her spouse and her relationship and even pay close attention to how the client’s relationship is with you. Does the client lose eye contact when she starts to talk about the nature of her relationship or her partner? How does she talk about herself? Does she use positive traits or more negative traits, or does she avoid talking about these things? Another important topic to understand is the clients childhood and parent/guardian relationship. This abuse is so overlooked that many people do not even realize that they are in an abusive relationship, some questions to ask would be “how does your partner/this person make you feel?” “How do you or how well do you and your partner handle negative or stressful situations?”
ReplyDeleteOne of the most important issues when handling someone who is going through psychological abuse is family/friend support. In situations like these, It is imperative to not criticize, demean, or coheres the victim away from the relationship but instead be a supportive listening ear so that they feel comfortable telling you what they are going through. With that being said it is okay to give them advice to help them realize that they are in an abusive relationship. It is important to help them realize their self -worth so that they gain the strength to be able to make the decision themselves. When helping the abuser, I think the first step would be helping them understand what abuse is and that it comes in different forms. Once they understand what abuse looks like they may become more aware that they use it.
I believe the most important thing to do in a relationship like this is confront the aggressor and make your true feelings known. We have seen in class multiple techniques on how to be up front about your true feelings and how to confront abusers/aggressors. It is also important to make sure the victim understands the abusive nature of their relationship. If I knew a family member or friend in this type of relationship, I would tell them they need to be up front and honest about their feelings.
ReplyDeleteEducating the abuser is also very important. They need to undergo some sort of empathy training because they either don't realize how they make others feel or they just don't care how they make others feel. This is a large issue. The aggressors must understand how to read the emotions of others and how their actions cause others harm.
Start with acknowledging emotional abuse exist and be informed of the signs of emotional abuse. It sometimes take the victim some time to step back and view the situation. Maybe recall times the perpetrator has emotional abused them. Others shouldn't take it lightly when they witness emotional abuse and at that point they are a contributor if they don't intervene. I would assume some questions would include "Do they say hurtful things to you?", "How does that person make you feel about yourself?", "Do they call you sensitive or put you down about your beliefs/dreams?", and "Do they constantly say hurtful things in heated moments, then apologize after?" I would say that if they truly love that person and wants to make it work with them, they need to get the person to understand emotional abuse is in there relationship and how it makes them feel. If the person is unaware that emotional abuse is occurring, it would help to point out instances when it has occurred. If the perpetrator doesn't stop the emotional abuse, they must let go of that person as it isn't healthy to be in such relationship. Emotional abuse can lead to so much more such as physical abuse or self-harm. To help the victim heal from emotional abuse, I would try to first remove them from the situation, raise their self confidence, encourage them to do the things they were told they couldn't do, help them see their self-worth. It's a lot that can be done to reverse the effects of emotional abuse, but the healing depends on how deep the wounds actually are. In order to help the abuser, I would inform them that emotional abuse does exist, point out the ways they have abused the victim, give them educated and trained on emotional abuse, get them to understand the damage it can actually cause, and get them to commit to changing their ways and quitting the emotional abuse altogether.
ReplyDeleteLauren - this is such an important topic. Emotional abuse is much more common than most people realize, and it can easily go unnoticed. I think you made a great point about asking questions when someone appears to be depressed or not acting themselves. Questions about their home life, work situation, and friendships can all point to what may be going on. In addition, I think awareness is key. Like you said, many people may not even realize they are being abused emotionally. If I suspected a friend or family member was in this type of relationship, I would first provide them with education and resources for counseling and other help. I would ultimately want to ensure their safety. In trying to help a victim recover from emotional abuse, I think skills training, promoting self-esteem, and increasing pleasant events in their life would be a starting point. I believe the abuser first and foremost needs education, and then they will need to work through their own underlying issues that may be contributing to the abuse. Perhaps they were abused in the past, and that will need to be addressed early on.
ReplyDeleteEmotional abuse is hard because for the most part it is invisible. It does not leave marks that we can see right away, it is almost always hidden from the public eye. That is why is makes it so hard to identify early on and to help the victim. I think that it is very hard to identify emotional abuse because you almost never know what is going on behind closed doors. You can try and look for cues like body language and side comments that a victim make make but it is still very hard to prove whether or not that person is really suffering. One of the best pieces of advice that I have ever heard for emotional abuse is that you first need to take care of yourself to take care of others. In a relationship you want to be there for the other person and help them but at what cost to yourself? I know that this is easier said than done but once the person understands that in all aspects they must come first they might be able to get out of the abusive relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Lauren! This topic is so important, and your blog is full of a lot of really great information on emotional abuse. It is very difficult when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship to realize what is happening until it gets physical. The use of emotional abuse can be so subtle and happen so slowly over a long period of time that the abuser almost brainwashes the victim into thinking they're crazy. The abuser might do thinks like deny saying something that they clearly said just to make the victim question their sanity.
ReplyDeleteI think one way for someone to recognize if they're in an emotionally abusive relationship is just to notice how they feel when they are around that person. They might feel anxious and stressed and guilty and a tightness in their chest. This is a bad sign. The problem is that people who have problems prior to an abusive relationship make the best victims for abusers. Maybe the victim was abused as a child and lives with that stressful feeling and the tightness in their chest. It's easy for an abuser to control someone who already feels bad about themselves and is emotionally sensitive and who has already been abused. Some of the work has already been completed for the abuser if they can find someone like that. It makes it hard for the victim to recognize if they feel bad around the other person because it's an unhealthy relationship or because they are struggling with low self-esteem that was there before. This is where therapy and social support can be so helpful for the victim. Gentle encouragement and empathy and reflective listening and understanding and helping the victim see that they aren't crazy can make such a big difference.
Like many of our classmates already commented, I agree that emotional abuse can go unrecognized by both the victim and the abuser. I started thinking how the victim blaming we talked about this week in regards to sexual assault is also relevant to victims of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse has to come from someone the victim knows. Often times a victim might recognize the pattern early on but continues the relationship because emotional abuse doesn’t come on suddenly. I think it was James who said the best thing we can do is make people more aware of the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse. I think the information you provided in your blog is a great start to that!
ReplyDeleteI just realized that when I copied my response in I forgot to include the beginning. I wanted to say that you did a great job in styling your blog with the color scheme and background!
DeleteI think this is a very important topic that needs more discussion and certainly needs more attention. Understanding what some people go through on a daily basis has to be our main concern when it comes to helping victims of psychological abuse. As you discussed in your post, there are no physical signs, and there is not physical damage, so it is not as easy to see or to help repair the damage that is caused. there are no wounds that simply need a stitching or bruises that need ice. I think to help those in these situations we must start by simply being good friend. Helping the people we care about understand that we are willing to listen to their problems and help them through whatever we can. I think it is also important for them to really believe we are sincere when we are listening to them and make sure we help them get help if they have problems.
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ReplyDeleteThis is a difficult question to answer because I experienced emotional abuse in a previous relationship. During college I was in a relationship with someone who was later diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Before I knew it, I had lost my own identity and became isolated by this person. There was never physical violence, but the emotional outbursts, isolation from family and friends, and anger definitely took a toll. My family and friends all tried to give advice and help me “see” that the relationship was seriously flawed, but I couldn’t see it. Being in the middle of the situation, it was difficult for me to see their perspective and it took a long time for me to understand what they were professing to see. It wasn’t until a counselor told me what I was experiencing was actually emotional abuse. I had never considered my experience abuse even though all of the red flags were there. I didn’t fit the stereotypical abuse victim expressed by media and didn’t see myself as someone who could experience abuse. Those two words, spoken very straightforwardly, stopped me in my tracks. I immediately recognized the mental anguish and how toxic my situation was...my family and friends’ words rang true and I was able to take the steps necessary to help myself out of the relationship.
If I suspected one of my friends or family members was experiencing the same issue, I would emulate my counselor and make sure they recognize their partner’s behavior as abusive. I would also share my story in the hopes that it would help them have the courage to make positive life changes.
I will start by saying that I do agree with James, we so often focus on the victims and how to help them and forget to realize that the abusers themselves could have just as easily ended up the way they are from experiencing some sort of abuse themselves. I personally have been in multiple emotionally abusive relationships and being aware, not that it made it any easier, did help me ultimately become fed up with being mistreated for being to kind or understanding. The worst part of the cycle is the little spurts of really good that an abuser will give and what I have learned form myself and my friends who are still in emotionally abusive relationships, you cling to and defend the good in the other individual. I do believe one of the best things to do is to educate people about abuse and signs to look out for because especially with emotional abuse, it is very hard to see and asking could emphasize many issues. A few key signs to look out for though are withdraw, basically the abuser isolating the individual, passive aggressive interaction, the need to please the abuser among many others. I agree with Crystal in the sense that it has to start at basic needs and slowly breaking down the attachment to the abuser, realizing where else support can be found and then ultimately mending all the irrational thoughts instilled by the individual.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the most important factors when it comes to this is education. I think every single citizen should be educated in this area because of the broad ranges that abuse can be found; abuse can occur in the family, workplace, on a team, or with friends. Because abuse can basically happen with anyone, anywhere, at any time it is important to always be aware of your surrounding as well as any clues from an abuser or the victim. I think being able to look for those red flags with individuals such as sudden changes in interest, personality, or being an outcast. Usually these mean that they are trying to hide something.
ReplyDeleteI think as far as questions, waiting for them to come to you, or asking vague questions so they do not feel pressured as well as you do not seem as if you are victimizing them by attacking them with these powerful questions and throwing out accusations.
The advice I would give for those I feel may be in a situation similar to these, is mostly that the line of communication is always open and to feel free to use whenever need be. I think comforting them in this tragic time along with never blaming the victim, as this can make them become more terrified and broken. Another thing I think would help, is no matter the gender but teaching them they need to be happy and they do not need to settle for anyone or anything.
I think when It comes to helping the abuser you must first find exactly what has set them off to act this way. Whether it is a current trigger or something from their childhood that has stuck with them throughout the years. After this, just like earlier reaching out and letting them know that the line of communication and the offer to help is always there. I think helping the abuser will actually take more time than helping the victim in these emotional and psychological abuse cases.
I have a close friend that was sexually abused from the age of 4 years old to 14 years old.Her abuser would also emotionally abuse her to oppress her and make her feel as if she needed him. She feels that the emotional abuse was so severe that she forgot about the physical abuse every day-the emotional abuse was worse. She is still scared but has turned her story into a testimony.
ReplyDeleteLike Jennifer, I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship in college. I remember telling my friends that the emotional abuse is worse than any other abuse because it sticks in my head.
I would encourage counseling if anyone came to me regarding emotional abuse.
I come from a very emotionally abusive family where the words, "It's not like he's beating you" were not uncommon. Victim-blaming was common and disclosure of any type of abuse was met with the same response, "What did you do to make him do/say that?" Emotional abuse is especially insidious, slowly stripping away a person's self-esteem and self-worth. In terms of treatment to help a victim recovery, helping them overcome their cognitive distortions and self-blame are of utmost importance. The low self-esteem and high dependency on the abuser for validation makes it a difficult job but pointing out discrepancies from how they treat the victim to how they treat their friends or loved ones is illuminating. Focusing on the victim's strengths will start the self-esteem building process and hopefully give them a place to draw from in terms of responding to the abuse, as most victims find it almost impossible to leave the abusers. Giving the abuser counseling would be helpful if they could be made to understand how hurtful their actions could be. I'm not entirely sure how one could do this but I am sure the techniques are out there.
ReplyDeleteThank you for shedding some light on this issue Lauren! I really like how your blog looks, it relates to your topic so well and makes an impact on the reader. As so many have stated, I think education and awareness that emotion or psychological abuse is a real thing is so important. If we are aware of some of the signs as you have shared, we will be more likely to recognize it either for ourselves in relationships or for our clients. I would encourage family members or friends who believe they know someone in an emotionally abusive relationship to address that with the person. If we never bring it up to them, the cycle will only continue. I would encourage them to approach the conversation sensitively and ready to listen but also prepared with information about what emotional abuse is. Sometimes as you said and others have shared in their personal experience, a victim of emotional abuse does not even recognize the abuse until someone points it out to them. I definitely think counseling would be beneficial for a victim of emotional abuse and also resources to get out of the relationship if need be.
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