More Than Just Words

"The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man's emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm." 
- Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

"Why are you so stupid?"
"You should just stop trying."
"You make this place a living hell."
"You are crazy!"

Emotional abuse (also known as psychological abuse) can manifest and be presented in many different ways. Criticism, mocking, isolating, yelling, making sarcastic comments, making rude faces, pinpointing jokes at the victim while hanging out in groups, degrading the victim's worth and abilities, intimidation, and constantly reminding the victim that everything is their fault are just a few ways that perpetrators abuse their victims. Unfortunately, this type of abuse can go unnoticed for a very long time due to there being no physical evidence on the victim's body, the abuser and victim being unaware of what is happening, and the habitual cycle that it usually occurs in. Both men and women can be victims of emotional abuse; however, Steven Stosny points out that "...women engage in as much emotionally abusive behavior as men, but the systematic use of emotional abuse to control another person is usually the domain of men, simply because it is easier to control someone with fear than shame." Also, this type of abuse is not exclusive to romantic relationships, but can occur in friendships, work relationships, and among family members.

Emotional abuse can wear down on the victim for a very long time without them being aware of it. When they are trapped in a cycle of hearing these things for so long, they begin to believe and internalize the abuser's comments towards them. They think that something is wrong with them, not the abuser. It can be dangerous when a victim tries to speak up for themselves in regards to the abuser's comments and behavior, because the abuser will often call them crazy or tell them they are being too sensitive. This causes the victim to try to change themselves to avoid making the perpetrator upset again. They feel like a horrible person for making things so complicated in the relationship and not being able to brush off the comments. They tell themselves they just need to have thicker skin. Since we are focusing on women in this class, we can point out that women are socialized from a young age to do whatever it takes to maintain relationships. Once someone realizes the abuse (usually when someone outside the relationship brings it to their attention), they may stop spending as much time with the perpetrator and try to avoid them, and this will usually make the perpetrator angry. A fight may happen and the victim and the abuser may lash out at each other. When the perpetrator tries to win the victim over again, they may be very compassionate, kind, and loving towards the victim to show that they care. Some people may wonder why a victim would believe what seems like fake love and affection from the abuser. The thing to remember is that when someone is hurting from abuse, the temporary love feels good to their inner wounds and they rest in this time where things seem to be okay. The abuser and the victim then try to live normally; slowly but surely, the abuse will start to ramp up again, becoming more frequent, and build up to a point where one of them lashes out at the other. 

One of the reasons emotional abuse is so harmful is because it is so frequent and can happen every time you're around the abuser no matter what setting. If someone seems to have an extremely low self-esteem, little to no self-worth, and very high self-blame, don't just assume it is depression right away. Ask about their relationships. They may be being abused.

Recognizing the signs of being in an emotionally abusive relationship can help a victim understand why they are feeling the way that they are. It is more difficult to identify emotional abuse because there is no physical proof. When someone puts their hands on you, you can clearly identify the marks. When it's emotional abuse, however, the perpetrator blames it on the victim and makes it seem like the victim is doing them harm. 

Ask that person questions about how they feel around others. Is this the only person who makes them feel this way? Most people won't realize this until it is pointed out by someone else. The victim may also downplay the abuse because they may think "well, at least they aren't hitting me." Or they may be completely oblivious that abuse can occur in this way that does not involve a physical act at all. Whoever the vicim may be (either male or female) and they are struggling with self-blame, I would ask them to make a chart of some of the things the perpetrator does or says to them and then, in another column, list what they do to the perpetrator. The victim will probably realize that they do not treat the abuser (or their other friends and family members) the same way. The victim may have immediate reactions to the abuser if he/she starts yelling at them, but we need to help them understand that they are not doing anything wrong and they are not doing anything to deserve this. If someone is degrading you for who you are, they have a problem with themselves - not you.

• What are some ways we can pay more attention to emotional abuse and recognize it?
• What kinds of questions can we ask others to help identify if their relationship is like this?
• What kind of advice would you give a friend or family member if you suspected that they were in a relationship like this?
• What are some ways we can help the victim recover from a relationship like this? 
• What do you think is involved in the process of helping the abuser?